Just Me

     Jealousy, a word that is so simple to type yet gave me another sobbing night. I do not know the reason my tears coming out so damn easily :(. The trigger was just a stupid singing competition. Just a simple competition. I just have to endure the fact that I cannot really sing. Ya, I cannot sing. I used to be a choir member, a choir member that cannot sing very well. That is me. I felt jealous of one of my church member as she has God's gift, the perfect voice. I am just getting jealous. I hope that this feeling will fade away after this post. Nothing will change if I continue to get jealous. It only makes me feel worse. No one is going to get hurt except myself, so, stop feeling jealous. No one is going to pity me. What I need to do is to stop having this sort of feeling and move on with a smile :) Just smile like what I used to do. :)

    I was very very busy last few weeks because I had three tests in a row. Now, I was glad that it was finally over. Last night, it was the harshest time I had ever gone true. It was very humiliating though. :( It was my first time weeping after hearing my mom's voice.

 
     In the other side of the phone, she kept on asking me not to cry but I just could not help it. I cannot withstand the pressure. I could not do in any of the two previous test. I feel myself so stupid. I kept on wondering the reason I could not cope up with the study. Then, I started to blame the lecturer for coming out with such nasty test questions and yet they did not even teach us probably. :( I started to blame the book for having so complicated description and explanation. Then, I end up blaming myself for not having smart brain. The brain blame for heart for not having the inspiration to study :(. The blaming never end. It was like an endless loop. After the call, my mom told me that it was my time to stop crying, then she hanged up her phone. I did not stop the crying immediately, continue for a while, and then I went to the wash room to clean my face. My eyes were red, swollen and tired. Just then I realized that it was my time to stop, to stop all the negative feeling and concentrate on my study. I used to be such a happy girl but I did not know the exact location of that girl now. Did she still exist in my soul? If not, where had she been disappearing? Where is she? Maybe, university life has truly change the inside me. :(



Falling ME :-(